guilty conscience fashion blog

Outfit of the day

Weight of the Heavens

New York, New York

..and just like that our time in Miami is soon coming to a close. 2019 has come and is already well on its way and I can’t help but wonder if I’ve accomplished everything I wanted to while we were here and away. My guilty conscience rarely gives me a break, but this strange sense of “what if” fomo has been giving me a bit of anxiety since we booked out flights home. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait to be back in our house with our fluffy loved ones, even the chilly weather has a soft spot in my heart, but I can’t help but fear that I didn’t make the most of my time here with my family. Why do I feel this way knowing that we had the most wonderful time, made the most every moment, and are taking back some pretty epic memories. I mean sure, I could have used a few more beach days, but lets not get picky. Truth is there is simply a part of my brain that can’t help but wonder if I did my best, in these time sensitive situations. Probably the same part of my brain that tells me I’m not good enough on some days, or that I can’t do it, the part that often fears the future and sometimes regrets the past.

That little voice is there and I don’t think she’s going anywhere, but that doesn’t mean I allow her to power over me. It’s something I work on all the time. Sometimes it’s nothing taking a personal day watching housewives and eating copious amounts of chips can’t fix! Sometimes a little harder to find a release from. All I know is that living in the present, getting out of my own way (and off my own back) is the answer. Easier said than done, but writing these blog posts, putting thought (and neuroses) to paper, is probably what makes me feel best in these moments of interior chagrin. To be truthful, I don’t even think about any of you ever reading these most of the time. Knowing that if I did, I’d have a much harder time expressing myself and keeping my voice and words as honest as it is on this medium.

I’m sorry I often ramble, get off topic,  and that these posts have truly grown into having nothing to do with the photos they are accompanying…but I do hope that if you’re reading this you get that warm fuzzy feeling of not being alone. I often have a hard time relating to others, I find my weird neuroses to be a little too unique to identify with most of the time.  However, in those rare magical moments when I do, it almost feels like Atlas got a little help bearing the weight of the heavens on his shoulders for a bit…again I’m rambling, with my weird mythological references. All this to say that I hope that I can give you a semblance of these moments, perhaps save you the time it would have taken to sign up for Headspace…just kidding I heard meditation’s great don’t listen to cynical little me. Anyway, let’s finish this off by writing the advice I need to hear myself, and perhaps you’ll also find a use for…

Don’t be so hard on yourself and on every waking moment of your time. Listen to your body and your mind and indulge them in what they need. You are doing your best kid…and your best is pretty damn good.

Zara beanie, coat, and dress, Gucci sunnies, Dior “Saddle” bag, and Cartel boots.

A Very Mickey Christmas

New York, New York

Oh, how long it’s been since I last wrote you guys a little something on the blog. What can I say, the Holiday season and year end duties seem to have gotten the best of me, and there never seems to be enough hours in the day to accomplish all there is to do. That being said I am thrilled to finally be sharing new images right in time to wish you all the Merriest of Christmases, Happiest Hanukkahs, and Koolest Kwanzaas ever. This whole content creator journey of mine started right here on this very website, and I never tire of thanking all of you for following our lives and adventures from here, to Instagram, to YouTube and giving me the chance to live my life doing something I love everyday. Sorry for the cheese..what can I say…’tis the season to be super grateful.

We have been spending the last week with my folks in Florida and have indulged in some much needed family time and R&R. This year has been both a blast and a blur and the month of December arrived right in time to give our scattered little brains and bodies a little respite. I wouldn’t call it a full on vaca, but I haven’t posted a photo on Instagram in 2 days so I must be doing something right. The real vacation will arrive this coming Saturday morning when Peter, my folks and myself, will head off to Orlando to spend a very merry Christmas in the happiest place on earth. Even snowy Canada can’t rival with how festive Walt Disney World feels at this time of year. Though quite busy, it is one of my very favourite times to visit one of my very favourite places, and to be able to do it with my very favourite people almost feels too good to be true. Of course I will be sharing all of my magical Mickey adventures and outfits in real time on Instagram, but if this is the last I speak to you all before the dawn of yet another year, I wish you my readers, all the happiness, success, health, and love in the world. Thank you for another great one! 2019 should be cool…

Ray Ban “Ja-Jo”, La Marque puffer, Moschino for H&M sweater dress, Dior strap and “Saddle” bag, and Chanel boots.

Reunion

Montreal, Canada

“If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.” ― Lao Tzu. Funny thing about the past…revisiting it can bring back all kinds of dark twisty things you were certain you had long moved on from. What’s up with the moody intro quote, you ask? Well folks I went to my 10 year high school reunion a couple weeks back and boy did it stir up a lot of shit. If you have been a reader for a while you know I have a fun little unpredictable ongoing battle with anxiety and depression, that I don’t talk about too often. It seems to rear it’s ugly heads when I expect it least, and always surprises me with how long and hard it sticks around.  

I consider myself a well adjusted human being. I let a lot of things roll off my back, don’t let what others think of me bother me too much, and rather move forward than muster up unwanted emotions that may lead me off the deep end. Peter has really helped me evolve from the anxy teen I was when he first met me, to the cool, calm and collected young adult(ish) human I am now…and boy am I ever thankful for that. That being said revisiting who I was then, and more importantly how I portrayed myself and was viewed by my peers and even teachers then, left a yucky stinging feeling in my heart. As those of you who deal with anxiety and depression may know, they rear their ugly heads in waves, and the tide can take a long time before it is still again. Recently I have felt tired, a little unmotivated, overly sensitive, and easily triggered. To put that into perspective, the episode of The Walking Dead I just watched, has lead me into enough of an existential crisis to write this post as honestly as I am right now. So instead of feeding the bad, I am going to give myself the advice I should have been hearing, facing, and believing since that day I came home feeling sorry about who I used to be.

As much as I may feel like I’m still 16, I am not…and that is a great thing. I have become a kind, open hearted person, who is always there in times of need, but wise enough to never be taken advantage of. I have grown to idolize women of substance who have taught me I am strong, capable anything, but most importantly that I am enough. That I should never dumb myself down for the comfort of others, or to make sure the joke lands at my expense. That though I may be underestimated, my worth, intelligence, hard working nature, and skill will no longer be…and to those who still think me a fool and dismiss me, are simply missing out. My accomplishments are my own, and their greatness cannot be syphoned by disbelief. Others’ words and actions do no control me, they do not affect me, and most importantly they do not define who I am. As much as I may feel like I’m still 16, I am not…and that is a great thing. 

So I am going to let the young girl I left on that pedestal all those years ago step down, and step up there myself. I am going to keep her joie de vivre, open heart, and faith in people, but realize that the change I have nurtured within myself is one of my greatest accomplishments. I am going to acknowledge the growth that has happened to her in the past 10 years, and will no longer shame her for who she was. We all think we know everything at that age, and isn’t it interesting to see how wrong we were…and how wrong we’ll probably be again looking back 10 years from now. Yet again the cliché seems to bring forth the most concise truth. I am who I am today, because of who she once was. Because of what WE went through, and the mistakes WE made. So it’s time to forgive her for them, and be at peace living in the present. Hey! if Lao Tzu said it right…

Gucci sunnies and shoes, Zara suit, Forever 21 sweater, and Dior “Saddle” bag.

Capri C’est Fini

Capri, Italy

That right folks, Capri is in fact fini…well, our time there is anyway. Everytime we get the chance to visit the island, my parents just cannot help but quit eand sing Hervé Vilard’s ’65 classic, so considering the location of today’s #OOTD photos, the post’s title came as a no brainer. Capri is one of those rare magical places that really transports you to the glamour of yesteryear, and make you feel like you are living in the movies. It’s beauty is pretty obvious, but its feel and kind people is truly what keeps us coming back from year to year. I have no doubt we will continue to return in the Summers until we have kids of our own, and perhaps they will carry the tradition with their families one day… I know it may sound like I’m getting ahead of myself, but this place really is that special. Also this particular summer our visit came at just the right time.

After spending the previous few weeks, adventuring around Europe…and documenting what felt like every second of it, it was time to put down the camera (or try to anyway) for some TLC and Capri was the most picturesque place to do it. We spent every single day at La Fontelina eating the best food on the island, drinking wine, and just sitting there and reading. May sound boring to some, but for us it was magical. Those of you who follow me on Instagram, also know the view and sunsets weren’t to shabby either.  This portion of the trip was my favourite, and I’m so happy I was able to share a little bit of it with you all today. Safe to say I recommend you travel to Capri if ever the opportunity arises…you’ll see…it isn’t fini at all. Sorry Hervé.

Eugenia Kim hat, Ray Ban “Round” sunnies, Rebecca Vallance dress, Louis-Vuitton “Cannes” bag, and Chanel sandals.

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