guilty conscience fashion blog

christian dior

Reunion

Montreal, Canada

“If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.” ― Lao Tzu. Funny thing about the past…revisiting it can bring back all kinds of dark twisty things you were certain you had long moved on from. What’s up with the moody intro quote, you ask? Well folks I went to my 10 year high school reunion a couple weeks back and boy did it stir up a lot of shit. If you have been a reader for a while you know I have a fun little unpredictable ongoing battle with anxiety and depression, that I don’t talk about too often. It seems to rear it’s ugly heads when I expect it least, and always surprises me with how long and hard it sticks around.  

I consider myself a well adjusted human being. I let a lot of things roll off my back, don’t let what others think of me bother me too much, and rather move forward than muster up unwanted emotions that may lead me off the deep end. Peter has really helped me evolve from the anxy teen I was when he first met me, to the cool, calm and collected young adult(ish) human I am now…and boy am I ever thankful for that. That being said revisiting who I was then, and more importantly how I portrayed myself and was viewed by my peers and even teachers then, left a yucky stinging feeling in my heart. As those of you who deal with anxiety and depression may know, they rear their ugly heads in waves, and the tide can take a long time before it is still again. Recently I have felt tired, a little unmotivated, overly sensitive, and easily triggered. To put that into perspective, the episode of The Walking Dead I just watched, has lead me into enough of an existential crisis to write this post as honestly as I am right now. So instead of feeding the bad, I am going to give myself the advice I should have been hearing, facing, and believing since that day I came home feeling sorry about who I used to be.

As much as I may feel like I’m still 16, I am not…and that is a great thing. I have become a kind, open hearted person, who is always there in times of need, but wise enough to never be taken advantage of. I have grown to idolize women of substance who have taught me I am strong, capable anything, but most importantly that I am enough. That I should never dumb myself down for the comfort of others, or to make sure the joke lands at my expense. That though I may be underestimated, my worth, intelligence, hard working nature, and skill will no longer be…and to those who still think me a fool and dismiss me, are simply missing out. My accomplishments are my own, and their greatness cannot be syphoned by disbelief. Others’ words and actions do no control me, they do not affect me, and most importantly they do not define who I am. As much as I may feel like I’m still 16, I am not…and that is a great thing. 

So I am going to let the young girl I left on that pedestal all those years ago step down, and step up there myself. I am going to keep her joie de vivre, open heart, and faith in people, but realize that the change I have nurtured within myself is one of my greatest accomplishments. I am going to acknowledge the growth that has happened to her in the past 10 years, and will no longer shame her for who she was. We all think we know everything at that age, and isn’t it interesting to see how wrong we were…and how wrong we’ll probably be again looking back 10 years from now. Yet again the cliché seems to bring forth the most concise truth. I am who I am today, because of who she once was. Because of what WE went through, and the mistakes WE made. So it’s time to forgive her for them, and be at peace living in the present. Hey! if Lao Tzu said it right…

Gucci sunnies and shoes, Zara suit, Forever 21 sweater, and Dior “Saddle” bag.

Italiana

Rome, Italy

…and a month later here I am! Now THAT was a hell of a trip. To those of you who don’t follow our shenanigans on Instagram, we spent the last month cruising with the familia, and traveling to our favourite spots around Europe. I can’t believe how much time has gone by, and how many incredible memories we’ve made, yet it all went by so fast. Took a little break from posting on the blog to try to enjoy the little moments, but I’m so glad to be back to tell you all about it, and relive it for myself…especially the eating portions of the journey. Don’t get me wrong, family is great and all, but have you had spaghetti cacio e pepe in Roma?…now that first bite is the kind of vacation memory I strive to continue making for the rest of my days. Also Bonci Pizza pictured below…I recommend you don’t look at those pictures on an empty stomach.

As much as I’d like to wax poetic about my love for bucatini amatriciana all day, I should probably tell you where we adventured during the course of this month long binge eating sesh. We had the immense joy of joining my parents, brother and his family in Barcelona right in time to celebrate my birthday with the whole gang. We ate, we partied, we did a sightseeing tour bus ride…it was fab. Next up was a week long cruise aboard the Symphony of the Seas, and let me tell you, we had fun. Nothing quite like being stuck in one big room with your entire clan, especially the little ones. We visited Marseille, Portofino, Naples…we ate Pizza in Naples. All of my tangents seem to lead to food…sorry. After we disembarked from the ship it was time to say goodbye to my little amigos and take my parents to Ibiza. That’s right folks, for the second year in a row I have had the immense joy of taking my parents to the EDM capital of the world. We ate, we partied, no sightseeing tour bus ride this time, but  it was fab nonetheless. All jokes aside Ibiza is one of my very favourite places to travel to, and one I will most likely continue to visit until the day comes where it will be my kids’ turn to drag me along.

…and then we arrived to where these very pictures were taken, in the eternal city of Roma. Where…you guessed it, We ate, we ate, and we ate. No partying or tour bus necessary to have a fab time here let me tell you. Trip doesn’t end there, but because I have to save some good stuff for the next one, I’ll keep the end of our journey spoiler free. Until then, here are some memories we made…you guessed it, eating. Enjoy!

Juniper and Blanc sunnies, Zimmermann jumpsuit, and Christian Dior necklace, bag, and flats.

On a Break

Tokyo, Japan

Guys this is it. Our very last Tokyo post! I’m almost embarrassed it took me all this time to get them up on the site, but selfishly I really enjoyed reminiscing while at home working this Summer. On that note, we are finally heading on our European adventure with the fam for the next few weeks and I can’t even describe how excited I have been for this moment to come all year! I love taking you guys along on all of our adventures, and magical moments, but I do kind of look forward to unplugging a little…well trying to anyway. For the next 3-4 weeks I will be taking a baby break after a hot hectic Summer, and for some strange reason I don’t feel too anxious or guilty about it. Maybe my mind feels it’s well deserved so my conscience is letting me off the hook for once. In any case, do not fret that I’ve let myself go, as I will continue to let you guys in on our shenanigans via Instagram post and stories, and we are even still considering filming a third edition of our annual European vlog series. That being said I’m going to try to dedicate most of our time away to family and making the kind of memories you don’t need a photo to remember forever. Man that’s cheesy! Anywhoo enjoy this last little post of the season and I look forward to sharing all that comes next in just a few weeks, after mama takes a little Kit Kat break.

Gucci sunnies, Off-White tell, Storets dress, Dior bag, and Balenciaga socks and sneakers.

Harajuku Girl

Tokyo, Japan

In 2004, if you would have told 13 year old Claude, that one day she’d be walking around Harajuku, Japan, wearing heart shaped glasses and bubblegum pink hair, she would’ve thought you were bananas…B.A.N.A.N.A.S! Yet, here I am on Love, Angel, Music, and Baby’s home turf blending in like a pro…well kinda. Though it wasn’t my first visit to the birth place of everything kawaii, it never truly looses it’s luster and shine. Sure, it’s a little more mainstream than it once was, with Vivienne Westwood and Pandora opening their doors on the main strip, but still the area has retained all of it’s original magic.

As soon as you venture off to little streets and alleyways, a kingdom of everything fashion, from DIY designer goods collaged together to hype beasts haven and vintage couture treasures await. It’s a dangerous place for people like me…but I’m not only in it for the goods. Harajuku is probably the most fascinating and mind blowing place to people watch on the North and Eastern hemisphere, or any hemisphere really! You really haven’t lived until you’ve seen a middle aged, 6 foot something man, living out all of his Sakura Card Captor dreams in full lady garb, grabbing a sandwich at high noon. I’m telling you, it’s a sight for sore eyes. Everyone is welcome to be as beautiful, adorable or weird as they’d care to be and I think that’s pretty fantastic.

The Harajuku hood also houses the highest volume of adorable animal cafes in all of Tokyo, which will surely keep you oohing and ahhing at everything from Owls to Hedgehogs. Unless, like me, you get crapped on continuously for the duration of your allocated 30 minutes. Poop or no poop, Harajuku, still promises to keep you wonderstruck, and truly lives up to any Gwen Stefani song it might have inspired in the early 2000s…and I really liked that period of her catalog so you know it’s gotta be really good.

Saint-Laurent sunnies, Strorets dress, Christian Dior bag, and Balenciaga Triple S’.