guilty conscience fashion blog

forever 21

Reunion

Montreal, Canada

“If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.” ― Lao Tzu. Funny thing about the past…revisiting it can bring back all kinds of dark twisty things you were certain you had long moved on from. What’s up with the moody intro quote, you ask? Well folks I went to my 10 year high school reunion a couple weeks back and boy did it stir up a lot of shit. If you have been a reader for a while you know I have a fun little unpredictable ongoing battle with anxiety and depression, that I don’t talk about too often. It seems to rear it’s ugly heads when I expect it least, and always surprises me with how long and hard it sticks around.  

I consider myself a well adjusted human being. I let a lot of things roll off my back, don’t let what others think of me bother me too much, and rather move forward than muster up unwanted emotions that may lead me off the deep end. Peter has really helped me evolve from the anxy teen I was when he first met me, to the cool, calm and collected young adult(ish) human I am now…and boy am I ever thankful for that. That being said revisiting who I was then, and more importantly how I portrayed myself and was viewed by my peers and even teachers then, left a yucky stinging feeling in my heart. As those of you who deal with anxiety and depression may know, they rear their ugly heads in waves, and the tide can take a long time before it is still again. Recently I have felt tired, a little unmotivated, overly sensitive, and easily triggered. To put that into perspective, the episode of The Walking Dead I just watched, has lead me into enough of an existential crisis to write this post as honestly as I am right now. So instead of feeding the bad, I am going to give myself the advice I should have been hearing, facing, and believing since that day I came home feeling sorry about who I used to be.

As much as I may feel like I’m still 16, I am not…and that is a great thing. I have become a kind, open hearted person, who is always there in times of need, but wise enough to never be taken advantage of. I have grown to idolize women of substance who have taught me I am strong, capable anything, but most importantly that I am enough. That I should never dumb myself down for the comfort of others, or to make sure the joke lands at my expense. That though I may be underestimated, my worth, intelligence, hard working nature, and skill will no longer be…and to those who still think me a fool and dismiss me, are simply missing out. My accomplishments are my own, and their greatness cannot be syphoned by disbelief. Others’ words and actions do no control me, they do not affect me, and most importantly they do not define who I am. As much as I may feel like I’m still 16, I am not…and that is a great thing. 

So I am going to let the young girl I left on that pedestal all those years ago step down, and step up there myself. I am going to keep her joie de vivre, open heart, and faith in people, but realize that the change I have nurtured within myself is one of my greatest accomplishments. I am going to acknowledge the growth that has happened to her in the past 10 years, and will no longer shame her for who she was. We all think we know everything at that age, and isn’t it interesting to see how wrong we were…and how wrong we’ll probably be again looking back 10 years from now. Yet again the cliché seems to bring forth the most concise truth. I am who I am today, because of who she once was. Because of what WE went through, and the mistakes WE made. So it’s time to forgive her for them, and be at peace living in the present. Hey! if Lao Tzu said it right…

Gucci sunnies and shoes, Zara suit, Forever 21 sweater, and Dior “Saddle” bag.

…Girls

Walt Disney World, Florida

Happy International Women’s day to all the wonderful readers and supporters that have allowed be to pursue my dreams these past years. Let’s be real, the vast majority of you are girls, women, and some of you are a little in between just like me. It’s thanks to you that I have been able to live through my passions and do what a love everyday and for that I’m eternally thankful. I’ve been thinking lately, why have these narratives pinning women against one another existed since the beginning of time. Are we to blame?..and I came to the conclusion that maybe we are a little, sometimes even without realizing it.

I realize supporting another woman’s success isn’t always easy. Even I, who preaches girl power, equality, and feminism every chance I get, have had those negative thoughts and feelings before. When seeing someone in the same field achieve more than you, getting an opportunity you wished you were given, or even following a path you wished you’d taken, it’s hard sometimes not to ask “why not me,” “I’m just as good,” “just as talented,” maybe even “a better fit”. So why should I celebrate her accomplishment when I wish they were my own…and that ladies is where we’ve been getting it wrong all along. I realize jealousy is a part of our emotional repertoire as humans, but I also know that life is all about perspective. Perhaps you can’t change those feelings and thoughts, but you can change the way you look at them. Someone else’s success means yours is achievable and isn’t as far away as you’d have thought. Someone finally accomplishing the impossible makes it possible, and someone doing it first, paves the way for you to accomplish just as much if not more.

It’s all about what we choose to put out in the universe. Negativity, hate, and all those mean and passive aggressive internet comments we know all too well, truly bring nothing to our journeys, besides maybe a little fire within those who it is directed towards. So why waste the time, the energy, the space, if you can help it. Why let envy leave a stain on your emotional make-up, when you could be doing you, persevering, and finding your way into the other’s shoes.

One lesson I learned early on is Always Love. As simple as it sounds, it’s never failed me. Be proud of the people around you that are working hard making their dreams come true, and celebrate when they finally make them happen, especially women. It’s become no secret when reflecting on the history of our world even to this very day, that these accomplishments require more work and dedication out of us girls, than the other sex will ever know. We must conquer obstacles they’ll probably never be made aware of, let alone face. When women support each other, INCREDIBLE things happen. The bond between us is so powerful, and it is so important for it to be recognized, heard, and celebrated. So next time you feel anger or a little blue when one of us “makes it” somewhere you wish you were, remember all she’s been through to get there, know she’s deserving, and commend her. After all, she’s your ally in the world domination effort that’s already well underway…

Adam Selman for Le Specs glasses, Forever 21 bodysuit, Christopher Raeburn backpack, Adidas track pants, and Gucci dad sneakers.

To Bleach or Not to Bleach

2015-03-08 at 10-00-50 Universal Studios, Florida

Hi friends. To bleach or not to bleach, this is my question for you today. You see, ever since I first saw Vicky Cristina Barcelona I have been plagued with the notion that perhaps I  should chemically kill my hair in order to obtain Scarlette Jo’s fairy locks. After this my Khaleesi obsession jumped on the bandwagon and gave me a second reason to dye my hair as close to white as a blonde can be. Elsa didn’t help either, she made my ice blonde ambition grow in epic proportions. Should I just let it go (I can’t help it), or find the courage inside me to be reckless and not think so much about the consequences attached to my every decision. I know…shit just got deep right. Imma leave it at that, but I need YOUR HELP. So I created a little poll you can all anonymously answer. The decision will be made tomorrow, so hustle little chickens.  

Click here to vote on my hair’s fate

As for the outfit, it ain’t nothing to fuss over about standard theme park getup, but goddamn those shoes are cool. Also, my attempts at wearing a leather choker seriously, were short lived. While I was pulling on the necklace attempting to stretch it out to clear an air way it snapped on me. R.I.P you masochist 90s trend that attempted to take me down with you… 2015-03-08 at 10-05-22 2015-03-08 at 10-01-53 2015-03-08 at 10-02-18 2015-03-08 at 10-05-42 2015-03-08 at 10-02-53 2015-03-08 at 10-00-45 2015-03-08 at 10-03-18 2015-03-08 at 10-08-07 Muumuu Love

Porsche Design aviators, Nasty Gal choker (similar), Tiffany & Co. and Chopard pendants, Forever 21 dress (similar), Dodo, Links of London, Hermes, and Cartier bracelets and watch, and Chanel bag and shoes.