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Goodbye Seems To Be The Hardest Word

Tokyo, Japan

I was trying to write a regular blog post. Tell you about the tourist attractions, and incredible restaurants we visited in Tokyo…but that just isn’t what I have on my mind right now. The images might be of cute outfits in beautiful places, but this blog has always been where I could let all my neuroses and dark twisty thoughts run free, even when it would probably be more appropriate for me to write about the weather. Today will be no exception. My grandfather passed away yesterday. I’ve dealt with grief many a time during my childhood, lost more family members than most, but this one’s been different, harder if that’s even possible to say without disrespecting the ones that left before him. Though he held an incredibly special place in my heart, I think the manner in which he departed makes it harder for me to live with, without having more existential thoughts than I’d like.

You see my grandfather decided he no longer wanted to continue on. Once he learned that his ability to walk was deteriorating and he wouldn’t be able to live autonomously anymore, even if his mind was bright, the kind of life he saw in his future didn’t feel worth living. He was a humble, quiet, solitary man with immense pride and dignity. If anything I think that, those qualities were what defined him as a person and where he drew his happiness and joy. That being said, when we heard he had taken maters in his own hands, I was in incomprehensible shock, and immediately my heart ached for my mother.

Though the attempt wasn’t successful, his mind was still made up. After spending a week in the hospital, his condition having deteriorated, and only learning more bad news regarding his health, he asked for a humane death. A death which would give him the chance to say goodbye, live only as long as he felt his life was worth living, and be surrounded by his children when he finally left the world. Every part of my being that is logical agreed with his decision, but every other little bit was devastated. I kept thinking of his bucket list, where hadn’t he traveled, what hadn’t he seen, wasn’t there something he wanted to do with the time he had left to conclude his journey…but that’s not who my grandpa was. He was firm, at peace with his decision, and the last item on his bucket list was for his loved ones to understand that this was the right choice for him.

Saying goodbye was probably the most heart wrenching thing I’ve ever done. Telling a person they’ll forever live on in your heart…saying I love you for the last time, those words were probably the hardest I’ve ever said out loud. He didn’t speak much, except for when I came close “Ma Belle Alicia…”he said with pride, as if I he believed was the most beautiful being who’d ever lived. That moment will probably make my heart ache for as long as I live. I held him in my arms, kissed his head, kissed his hands, and walked away, so afraid that if I looked back for just a second I’d never be able to say good bye, I’d never be able to let him actually go. Yesterday morning, at 10:10 AM he left this world peacefully, surround by the ones he loved, and who loved him in return.

I’m happy for him. Happy he left the world the same way he lived within it, on his own terms. So why am I so uncontrollably emotional, why do I, without a moment’s warning drench myself in puddles of tears. Perhaps the actual act of saying goodbye is what keeps me crying. Maybe the shock and immediacy of passed losses overwhelmed me to the point that I never truly understood that the person was gone. Goodbye seems to be the hardest word, Elton was right. I didn’t write this piece to make anyone feel sorry for me, or sad or cry even, though I failed terribly at not doing so myself while writing it. I just don’t want to forget this feeling. The tears come, because of the love I had and continue to have for him after his passing. They come because of the bittersweet feeling that swaddles my heart when I remind myself that he is in a better place. They come because as hard as it was, I got to hold him one last time, and the emotions of that moment live on. I hope they don’t fade too quickly. I had the privilege of saying goodbye and I want those feelings to resonate until I’m finally at peace with them, and feel grateful for them as I know I will someday.

This is probably the longest piece I’ve ever written on the blog. Still debating if I should even post it at all. All of these sentences and paragraphs to say that I loved him, and I hope his spirit lives on through these words. That they honour him, the way I intended them to. Je t’aime Grand-Papa.

Gucci Sunnies, Zara suit, Lacoste X Supreme polo, Loewe bag, and Christina Louboutin pumps.

Ibiza

Ibiza, Spain

I used to go out a lot. Like most rebellious teenyboppers of the Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan era, my idea of a good time used to be standing on chair or table (settling for wtv was available at the time) while  sweating profusely with my arms in the air, and my butt low to the ground dancing to David Guetta vs. The Egg’s “Love Don’t Let Me Go”. Am I showing my age? Since then the concept of going out has me tired just thinking about it. The getting dressed, putting my face on, ordering an uber, driving in the stinky uber, getting in the place, arguing to get a better table, sitting for a large portion of the evening on my phone waiting for a song I don’t hate to come on, also going to bed at four has lost it’s appeal…it just sounds exhausting.  K, now I’m really showing my age. All that being said, you’re probably thinking then why the hell would you go to the EDM capital of the world Claude? The answer is…a mix of the nostalgia of the good old days, and it’s sunny there. If you know anything about me you’d know that when I put my mind up to something, I always give it 110% and Ibiza was no different. I was going to commit to Ibiza, and have the best time ever, even if it meant my old lady body would have to take the rest of our vacation to recover….and boy did it.

I don’t want to bore you with all the mind blowing details so here’s our vlog from my 26th birthday week on the island that never sleeps…CLICK ME

One thing is certain…

We had fun. The kind of fun you have at a music festival when you’re feeling free in a field, dancing to your favourite band, during that golden hour. I mean sure, did I order 2AM espressos at Pacha waiting for David Guetta to go on, yes, but I danced and stayed up until 6AM, so grandma felt pretty cool. Since we’ve been back everytime I hear a Kygo song I start planning my birthday for next year. Hoping I can take my friends to the island and dance to Stargazing together at Ushuaia. Not sure how feasible that’s going to be but, hey a girl can always dream. All I know is Ibiza hasn’t seen the last of this old broad.


Saint-Laurent sunnies, For Love and Lemons dress, Loewe panda bag, and Vans Old Skools.

La Vie en any Colour You’d Like

Montreal, Canada

I know what you’re thinking. We read the title Claude…are you really going to dedicate a whole other blog post on the colour pink and how Edward Cullen enamoured you’ve been with the hue this summer. No, but I had to address how fun those rose coloured glasses are, am I right? Everyone go out and invest in cheap coloured lens glasses, really funks up an outfit. For a fashion blogger I really don’t make recommendation or statements like that one often…which brings up the questions…what in the world is it I blog about then?

I always look at my fellow fashion feens in the blogger-sphere, and how lifestyle, health, fitness, and tip friendly they are an wonder…have I been doing it wrong all along? I know I preach about never comparing yourself to others and just doing you all the time, but a girl sometimes wonders you know. Have I been addressing my audience with the wrong topics? Instead of keeping you guys up with my current neuroses and thoughts of the week should I have been sharing 5 ways to style a pyjama blouse, or what lip colour is like… “the it shade” for fall.

I just never gave myself the authority to tell anyone how they should wear their clothes or which trendy items they should be buying right now. To me styling and fashion is such a clear way of expressing your individuality, mood, and telling the world who you are, that it would feel wrong to even suggest how you guys should choose to dress. Sure, I like when you inspire yourselves from my OOTDs, and get tons of warm and fuzzies when I’m tagged in photos of you guys wearing pieces I wore, but mostly I love that you make them your own. So, I guess that’s what the blog post was about today. Individuality, and celebrating the things in life that bring us together yet set us apart…like fashion. How I managed to turn a post about pink glasses into another preachy rant I’ll never know….

Urban Outfitter sunnies, Christian Dior tee, Zara skirt, Loewe bag, and Celine flats.

Elephant Love Medley

Indio, California

The beginning of festival season was pretty headwear heavy for me. Flower crowns are dead and should remain that way until their probable “vintage” reemergence in 10-20, but everything under the sun besides that cliché seems to be fair game. First there was the fiddler cap, then the ever understated spiky golden crown, and now rainbow ombre butterflies. You’ve heard of it?..I’ve probably worn it on my head. I also added a lip ring in there for good measure.

Day 3 of Coachella is usually reserved for my comfiest #OOTD and this year was no exception. You have to foresee what kind of bloat you’re going to be dealing with after 3 straight days of drinking and snacking, and I came prepared. This tie-die elephant motif Moschino dress, felt like something you should wear exclusively in a festival setting, so I made sure to pack it and pair it with his little Loewe elephant bag friend. His name is Hannibal btw. This pair of Janis Joplin inspired sunnies also absolutely had to make an appearance Coachella weekend, and this outfit felt too on theme not to bring them together.

…And just like that Coachella weekend came to an end, and so did all the fun festival dressing that came with it. Thankfully ’tis the season, and I cannot to wear more ridiculous shit on my head, and in my nose/mouth/ear areas. What can I say…my orifices just love to look like Christmas trees.  

VivaDelfina butterfly crown, Ray Ban JaJo sunnies, Moschino dress, Loewe bag, and Superga sneakers.